Ok, so the last 2 weeks have been a food attitude struggle for me. I decided that during the 'break' between round 1 and 2 of the 12WBT I would maintain my weight of 77kgs, as both a test for me and a mental rest. Well... heeeeellooooo bad habits! I instantly went back to all those foods that helped me put on the weight in the first place! Thankfully, I now exercise as part of my day but what I found was that I got really lethargic and the sick, yuck feeling I got I don't think is worth it.
And now I am on night shift and my PT is away in China and all I want to do is go to the gym! How crazy! If someone had said to me back in January that I would miss going to the gym (especially Step and HiLo class) I would have rolled around on the floor laughing, and that rolling around in laughter would have been the most exercise that I did back then!
So, I need to pull my head in and get organised with my food. At some level I wonder if it is my way off self sabotage? I'm so close to my goal and I wonder if the comments, compliments and people noticing me now that didn't before is playing on my subconscience. I once heard someone say that it's crazy to be fearful of loosing weight. I don't agree.
Part of putting the weight on for me was to create a barrier where I felt safe because people left me alone. Now that I'm looking damn fine... ah yeah... I'm finding that I am being included more in social events and I don't get that invisible feeling that I felt so safe behind and that is scary. It's scary for someone like me, I have a degree of agoraphobia that has moved past the being stuck in my house for 3 months but I'm not yet at the stage where shopping centres don't freak the living daylight out of me, I'm somewhere in the middle. And so fear of being 'socially acceptable' is real and something that I have to face and overcome if I want to be successful for my future. This is now my challenge.
How weird, now that I've put it out there it doesn't seem to have as much control over me. I better get back to work though, and I have some organising to do for this weeks meals...
Sunday, May 30, 2010
My name is Jess. I moved back to Sydney in January after living in Melbourne for the last 8 years and decided that 2010 is the year I do things for me.
I started with focussing on my weight and getting fit and so on the 1-1-2010 I committed to doing Michelle Bridge's 'Crunchtime' program and was surprised at how little I actually knew about food and exercise. One of the hardest lessons I learnt was how much food I was actually consuming. When I completed one of the suggested tasks about counting the calories you would 'normally' consume and completing a food diary, I calculated my breakfast alone at 1800 calories, and considering my daily intake should be 1200 calories I decided not to eat much for the rest of the day. It was a hard lesson to learn.
I then moved back to Sydney on the 23-1-10, again a decision I made for me and I found it quite hard for the first 3 months to settle in. There was a delay in my Nursing registration and this put alot of strain on me both emotionally and financially and there where a few weeks there where all I could think about was going back to Bendigo. So I made another decision.
I enrolled in Michelle Bridge's online 12WBT program and through the forums met other Sydneysiders with similar interests and slowly but surely I am finding a little groove where I fit in.
I have lost 21.45kgs so far this year, I now weigh in at 77.2kgs and have 7.2kgs to reach my goal. I have full time work at St Vincent's Hospital and I finally feel like things are settling down and my challenge over the next month is to get into a routine with my diet. Round 1 of the 12WBT taught me about exercise and I now have a great weekly routine that I can adjust with shift work but I still struggle with food. I have decided to do round 2 of the 12WBT to focus on my diet and with the two together... well, I can't wait for the results!
As part of round 2 I decided to set up this Blog site, so that I can reflect on where I have been, how I have felt and hopefully help someone else going through it also.
Who knows what the future holds... But it's my choice to find out...